Young man, let me give you a word of advice, never gamble. But if you must gamble, never bet -- unless you bet on a sure thing. And then, should you be so unfortunate as to lose, be honorable and pay your bet promptly, or as soon as possible, and, if not as soon as possible, then just as soon as convenient. To postpone its payment for a longer period renders you unfit for this world or the two worlds to come.
I was so rash as to bet on the result of the Presidential election this year of our Lord eighteen hundred and ninety-six (not dollars), and I have lost. I'm awfully sorry. I made many bets, but I have always won before. Betting is as much a mania with me as it was with the immortal Jim Smiley, who owned the fighting bullpup and the jumping frog. Like him, if I could not get anybody to bet on the other side I would change sides, but again like him, with all my uncommon luck, I finally came to grief.
I have combined system with judgment and logic, and my secret I would not divulge. I have bet it would either snow or rain on Washington's birthday, and won; that seven-year locusts would come the following year, and won; that a young married friend would be blessed with twins, and won. I have bet on most everything imaginable, and won -- most everything imaginable. I have made bets on a dozen elections, and won them.
The Republican candidate might as reasonably run for the throne of England as for the White House. Therefore, when I walked election night to the display boards of a newspaper and read "McKinley Has Swept the Country," is it any wonder I fell in a swoon?
And after an ambulance had borne my remains to the hospital and I had regained consciousness, was it not enough to shock my whole system to be told that because Bryan, The Silver Candidate, failed to carry the election, a jack-ass must carry me from New York to San Francisco?
Aye, more, I must parade on a donkey Madison avenue, Broadway and Fifth avenue, New York, decked out in a frock coat and silk hat, with round, black-rimmed spectacles in place of my nobby skeleton eye-glasses, and with spectacles of some sort on my donkey. Verily, in this ridiculous and Quixotic state and in the State of New York, and various other States of the United States, I am required, in order to preserve my unblemished reputation for honor, to lose my dignity and furnish to the amused and gaping public a free show, that is of no expense to anybody but myself, by riding a jackass 3,000 miles as the crow flies, over a million miles as the jackass goes, and, starting without a dollar, and earning my way, accomplish the trip within a year from this election day. Think of it!
But having once resigned myself to the inevitable and fearing lest my heart would break with its secret, I called our butler into my chamber, and almost paralyzed him with the news. I never saw Billiam look cross-eyed before. "And what will yez be doin' next?" he gasped, after catching his breath, much to my relief.
"Oh," I said, "I'll likely go clean round the world."
"Oi'm moighty glad ov thot, Mr. Pod," said he, "fer, as Shakespeare said, cleanliness is next to Godliness, but be yez infarumed as to the distance?"
"Geography," said I, pinching my wisdom teeth, "says the earth is 8,000 miles in diameter."
"Ond phwat's thot to do with the case?" he asked; "yez talkin' ov goin' round the airth, not through it."
"Well, Billiam, it's just three times as far around the earth as it is through it," I replied, not remembering the exact distance, but being up in mathematics.
"Ond how do yez know thot?" argued the incorrigible Billiam; "has onybody iver wint through the airth thot yez knows ov?" I was gaining nothing by the debate, so I left the still bewildered butler, and hastened to Hennessy's boarding stables, where father kept his horses.
"Phwat be yez lookin' fer?" inquired Hennessy as soon as he recognized me.
"A jackass," said I, "and I hope I haven't far to look."
"There's a lookin' glass in the office," replied Hennessy.
I was not in a humor to joke,. "Mr. Hennessy." said I, "you misunderstand me. I am looking for a good, sound traveling companion. I know you to be up on horses, jackasses, and such like."
"Oi'm down on jackasses, and Oi don't know wheer theer's a sign ov wan, onliss it be the scarrh on me roight face. Oi wance owned a brute thit hod the overreach."
"But," I asked, "in case I do find one, how am I to know he hasn't a failing or two?"
"Be afther seeing Dr. More, who's a vet," said Hennessy; "he kin tell yez more infarmation thon yez kin dispose ov in a wake's time."
On procuring Dr. More's address, I soon after found him. He was so considerate as to give me a list of donkey's ailments a yard long, for which I very liberally paid him by compliments, and at once began a six days' search of the city for a quadruped jackass. It was in John Flannigan's sales stables that I found him, and Flannigan introduced me to the animal in person.
"A handsome donkey," said I, enthusiastically. "What's his name, and how much do you want for him?"
"Maccaroni is his name; twenty-foive dollars me price, ond O'll t'row in a bridle ond saddle to boot," said he.
"Cheap enough," said I. "As soon as I am satisfied with his qualifications, as to character, health and previous condition of servitude, I will buy him; for I require an amiable animal that will give me reliable and durable service."
"Oi'll guaranty 'is good character," said Flannigan, poking the donkey in his spare ribs, "ond as fer hilth, Oi niver knew the toime he couldn't ate."
"And how was employed before you owned him?" I questioned.
"He's a moiner; he worruked in the moines," said Flannigan; "yez may examine him as close as his conscience, ond as yer own caution will pormit."
"You look like an honest man," said I, "but, Mr. Flannigan, according to law, his being a minor will render me responsible for his acts. Your idea of perfection may be widely different from mine."
"Oi'm as truthful," said Flannigan, reverently crossing his left lung, "as a loover thot tells his swateheart she's the furst gurril he iver looved, or the gurril thot tells him he's the furst mon she iver hugged. An intelligent baste is Mack, and Oi'm willin' to submit him to the toughest examination a polacemon iver tackled."
"Well, then," said I, "as it is Civil Service more than anything else that I require, I shall subject him to a Civil Service examination." I unrolled the lengthy list of diseases I had procured.
"Mr. Flannigan," said I, "raise your right hand, and swear that you will tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and not let your arm drop until I mention a malady that ails the donkey." Flannigan kissed the currycomb.
"First, are you intimately acquainted with the diseases of horses, jackasses and such like, Mr. Flannigan?" I inquired.
"Oi om thot," Misther Pod," answered Flannigan, red in the face; and immediately the intelligent donkey closed his ears as if he declined to be sponsor to his master's evidence.
"Is this jackass," I began, "suffering from splint, ringbone spavin thoroughpins..."
"Nor ninepins, nor hairpins naither," interrupted Flannigan, honestly.
"From curb, corns, founder..."
"Ond how the divil could he founder whin he wus niver over his fetlocks in wather in his loife?" said Flannigan, with very good reason.
"From laryngitis, strangles,..."
"He waunce choked with a roober ball ond Oi laid awake nights fearin' he wad die ov appendicitis, but he did not," said Flannigan truthfully.
"From glanders or farcy, anti-anti-anti-phlogistics..."
"Holy, Mither, phwat a jaw-breaker! Oi hope yez don't sthrike anither o' thim," said Flannigan, nervously.
"From Oste-oste (I have already) oste-o-s-a-r-osteosar-c-o-m-a..."
"Oyster comma," volunteered Flannigan, 'the loike ov which wad kill ony bird or baste."
"From epizootic, pinkeye, glass eye..."
"Nor black eye, nor blind eye, naither," shouted Flannigan, with honest persuasion.
"From pleurisy, water-on-the-chest..."
"Nor wather-on-the-brain," moaned Flannigan, slightly lowering his tired arm.
"From colic, bots, blind staggers, freeze-to-death,..."
"Niver but wance since I owned him," groaned Flannigan, "But he kin sthand the cold all the bether fer thot."
"From sunstroke, paralysis,..."
"It is Oi thot is nigh paralyzed in me roight arrum. How many miles hov yez yit to go?" asked Flannigan, blue in the face.
"I am nearly through," said I.
"From spinal meningitis, string halt, thumps..."
"Only phwat thumps Oi gives him to make him moind," said Flannigan.
"From peritonitis, acute indigestion,..."
"Not so cute, if yez could wance see the brute ate," said Flannigan.
"From seedy-toe, threads or calks..."
Here Flannigan suddenly dropped his almost benumbed arm, and again boosting it into the air with his left hand, and holding it there, he inquired: "Be yez shure yez hain't struck a directory of children's diseases?"
"I have not," said I. "From canker, knuckle-over, open joint..."
Oi hov diskivered a wakeness fer tabacky ond rum, but Oi kin shwear thot he has not an opium joint," said Flannigan.
"From poll-evil, blisters, dropsy..."
"It's Oi thot hov dropsy of the arrum," said Flannigan, bending under the weight of his two members.
"From swelled legs, phle-phle-"
"Hoory oop!" shouted Flannigan; "if yez will shpell it, Oi'll spake it. Oi'm noted fer me grammar, Misther Pod."
"Well, p-h-l-e-b-i-t-u-s," I spelled.
"Flea-bite-us," pronounced Flannigan, faintly, with effort.
"From nettlerash, hives..."
"Niver a hoive, but a hornet wance left a boomp on his roomp so hoigh he didn't git over it fer a moonth."
"From mud fever, grease (and I observed that the jackass was uncommonly lean), saddle or collar galls..." But I was suddenly startled by an agonizing groan from Flannigan as he fell against the donkey on the floor. "Begorry!" he gasped, "it may be Civil Sarvice fer the jackass, but it's oncivil enoof fer me."
The sight of his bleached countenance touched my heart, and I said reassuringly: "The jackass has passed a perfect examination, Mr. Flannigan. I accept your price and shall take great pains with Mack." And desiring to lose no time in getting in the animal's good graces, I advanced to take the first pain.
I came to in the hospital with a damp nurse beside my bed, for I had in my delirium knocked a basin of water out of her hands. On inquiry this angel of mercy informed me that my donkey had kicked me below the belt. For a moment I could not believe it. I sent for the frightened Flannigan, who was sobbing in the consultation room with visions of electric chairs and gallows before him. "Mr. Flannigan," said I, "I exonerate you of all blame. It is the vet who was at fault. Had Dr. More not omitted "over-reach" from the list of ailments, Maccaroni would have been a perfect jackass, and the accident would not have happened.