Making His Will

Some people never speak of their friends, and some haven't any friends to speak of. I don't know which are to be pitied the more.

Every New Yorker who knew me had learned that I was a patient in a city hospital as a result of over-familiarity with a donkey, to whom I had just been introduced, and yet not one of them, not a single friend -- or double one, either -- came to see me and console me by telling me that I was looking badly.

As soon as I had sufficiently recovered to breathe regularly after the kick I received below the belt, I was honorably discharged from a hospital without a pension. Then I searched at once for a lawyer. I had no charge to make; I left that for the lawyer. It was his privilege to charge, and he charged me handsomely. I had been brought suddenly to realize that the most important thing for me to do was to make my will. I told my lawyer to draw it up in a minute and to charge me the liberal rate of $100 a day. If you show a lawyer your desire to be generous with him he will be more apt to deal fairly with you. Experience has taught me this.

I delicately related my story to W. Graball, Esq., my worthy lawyer.

"In what state is your property at present?" he inquired.

"New York," I said.

"No, no," said he, nervously. "I mean, is it real or --"

"Oh," I interrupted, "part real, but mostly imaginary." And I handed him a small envelope. Graball, Esquire, looked intellectual at first, and then silly.

"Pawn tickets, eh!" he exclaimed.

"Coupons," I corrected; "they are so styled, and, besides, the word sounds higher-toned than pawn tickets."

As Graball, Esquire, shuffled the cards his phiz was as staid and heathenish in expression as that of a jack-o-lantern I once made. The first coupon called for a handsome gold watch which I had purchased on the installment plan and given to a wealthy uncle to present to me on my twenty-first birthday. As I was born on my first birthday, it was really my twenty-second.

"Your watch!" exclaimed Graball. "Won't you need a watch on your lonely overland journey?"

"No," I said; "I haven't carried a watch for some time. I am nervously constituted, and the ticks disturb me."

"Peculiar case," said the lawyer. "I know of but one other similar. A late friend of mine never carried a watch but a day in his life. He claimed the hands tickled him."

To resume: The remaining coupons represented various jewels and precious stones, such as hatpins, safety pins, a treatise on geology, Wilkie Collins' "Moonstone," a dress suit, a Chinese fiddle, a wig, a dime savings bank, and a brass coal scuttle, used by my forefather in Cromwell's time. I willed all this imaginary property to my lawyer in full payment of legal services.

I also willed away my real property as follows: A porcelain pug dog, which I once drew at a raffle, to our butcher, Patsy McShane, who makes a specialty of sausage, but who never yet has been able to keep a live dog more than a week; a silver-plated chafing dish, that never was capable of making a decent Welsh rarebit, to my friend, Billy Cheeseman, who gave it to me; a copy of "Arabian Nights," finely printed in valuable diamond type, and profusely illustrated on the margins and elsewhere by amateur juvenile artists, which was a Christmas present to me last year, and has been a gift to all my brothers on previous holidays, to my youngest brother, who will receive it gratefully for the second time; several manuscript poems to Dobson Winkles, an editor I despise; two dozen neckties to my younger sister, who already has had the use of them exclusively; a pair of roller skates to Jim Bludown, a favorite dumb waiter in a restaurant who never talked back after pouring soup down mine; a handsome "toad stabber" knife, left in my possession by a fellow who departed this life a year ago, and has not been seen since, to the Italian, Publo Castaletto, who has shined my shoes a month on trust; ten volumes of Shakespeare, in large type, to a poor woman totally blind, who yearly sells my mother horseradish; a life-size engraving of Emperor William I. of Germany, to a Frenchman, M. La Foigras, who has several times treated me to champagne; a wicker baby-carriage, which I once took in payment of a debt, but which I never had occasion to use, to my older brother, who will appreciate its virtues; and, lastly, a secret for making creamery butter out of old rags, to the first man who shows himself willing to pay for the patent applied for.

Making one's will is, after all, a most distressing ordeal. It makes me feel that I have parted with all my dearest ties and other treasures. But more than that, I can now risk my life without fear of suddenly leaving the world and my worldly affairs in an unsettled state.

Before renewing the donkey's acquaintance -- I do not say my donkey, because I have not paid for him yet -- I called at once upon my friend Erlich, the optician, and engaged him to fit the donkey to glasses.

"I wish," said I, "glasses of such magnifying power that when I shall be six feet from the donkey I will appear to be but three. Then when he thinks he is kicking my whiskers off he is simply causing a little atmospheric disturbance, and I can triumphantly exclaim: 'Never touched me!' "

"All right." said the optician; "I'll make them."

"Besides," I added, "I wish another pair made of green glasses; then, when grass gives out, I can feed him shavings."

"Very good," said the optician. "I'll make 'em, but I cannot make the frames."

And so I searched all New York before I found a man who would undertake the task. Moseman, the celebrated harness maker performed that noble deed, and also fitted out the stubborn, vicious beast with saddle and saddle bag, blanket and bridle, with the perfect that might be expected from a Fifth avenue tailor. But there is no more an end to the requirements of a jackass than an end to his years, and as for that I have offered a liberal reward to the man who has ever seen a dead donkey and can prove it to me. My next errand was to engage a blacksmith to shoe "Mack." This did not cost me as much trouble as it did the blacksmith. I simply watched the interesting performance, which possessed not a few acrobatic features. Several strong men threw the donkey on his back, and we all held him down till he was shod. And my daily visits to Maccaroni have only served to convince me the more that we are not likely to be molested in our journey just so long as we mind our business.

But there are other things besides wills and donkeys to be considered by one who contemplates a lonely and perilous trip through wild and unexplored regions.

I have yet to bid farewell to affectionate sweethearts and to avoid my creditors. In fact, I wished to avoid my sweethearts, too. Knowing full well the wasted tears and bitter grief of partings, I sought to alleviate their sufferings by writing them tender letters, and as I was pressed for time I proposed to economize by spending a whole week in composing a fitting note and then send a copy of it to each dear girl. Alas! Some evil fate presided over the proceedings. I got the letters mixed. My sweethearts, on discovering each other's existence, planned to make mine a mistake of nature. They called on me last evening in a body. What happened during that interview will never be known to the world, unless those girls tell. When all was over I retired with the feeling that all preparations were completed for my start to-day; but alas, I was awakened this morning by a rapping, not a tapping, at my chamber door. It was the cook. And when I roared: "Nothing more!" she yelled back" "Yes, sor, a score -- of friends to bid yez gudeby." Such a wholesale mark of respect had never before been shown me, and with a heart swelling with gratitude I dressed and rushed downstairs. They were creditors, and nothing more. But how I swore!

First in the ranks was my fat washwoman, who for a year has been taking the bosoms out of my new shirts and substituting old ones; next danced the tailor, who had made me a misfit suit which got burned up in the shop before he delivered it; then came the cobbler, who made me a pair of shoes that I couldn't get off without parting the soles from the uppers, and who, afterward, sold them to a friend of mine for a dollar more than I agreed to pay; and numerous others who supported claims equally hones. My only defense was the statement that I hadn't a dollar except what was safely invested in my jackass, and that if any one of them wished to satisfy their claims by seizing upon him they were at liberty to do so. That was five hours ago. Mack is still in the stable harnessed for our momentous journey, and the nearest hospital is full to overflowing.